For so long, I believed that in order to be lovable, I had to hide all the ‘bad bits.’ You know, the parts of me that weren’t always happy, calm, or perfect. Growing up, I was an emotional child, much like my daughter is now, but my parents couldn’t handle big emotions. Difficult feelings were met with shouting or shutting down because they didn’t know how to manage their own emotions, let alone mine.
So, I learned the unspoken rule: if you want to be loved, you only show the good emotions. The happy, positive ones—the ones that didn’t make others uncomfortable. And that belief stayed with me as I grew up.
The Pressure to Be Perfect Followed Me Into Adulthood
As an adult, this belief shaped how I showed up in the world. I thought if I wasn’t always calm and happy, I wouldn’t feel safe or loved. I never saw it as perfectionism because I wasn’t a "perfectionist"—I just thought it was normal. But here’s the thing: you can’t be happy all the time. When you try to force yourself into that mold, it doesn’t make you more lovable; it just makes you feel very, very lonely.
For the longest time, I was terrified of letting people see the real me—the parts that weren’t perfectly polished. I worried that if I let my guard down, people wouldn’t know how to handle my difficult emotions. It took the support of a therapist to finally challenge that belief, and for that, I will be eternally grateful. That experience completely changed how I show up as a mum.
Perfection Doesn’t Make You Lovable—It Makes You Exhausted
All the ways I learned to handle my emotions—hiding them, pretending everything was fine—were actually the things keeping me stuck. They didn’t help me connect with people, and they made the highs and lows of motherhood feel so much more intense. It wasn’t until I started sharing my struggles that I realized how normal those feelings were.
It’s okay to show up as you are, to be upset, tired, and to ask for help. It’s okay to make mistakes and not love every minute. You don’t need to be perfect to be a good mum—you just need to be present, honest, and compassionate with yourself and others. And often, that’s much harder because it requires us to be vulnerable and to risk people not liking the parts of us we’re not proud of. But when you are vulnerable, and people still accept you, you start to see that we’re all flawed—and that’s okay. Some of my closest friendships have come from being imperfect and letting people see the real me.
What Actually Works? Doing What Makes You Feel Alive
When I let go of perfection, I found what really made me feel whole. Exercise became a way to release stress and feel proud of myself, which is something we don’t feel enough of in motherhood. Journaling helped me process my emotions and clear my mind. Learning to pause and take a breath helped me stay calm and recognize what I really needed in the moment. And perhaps most importantly, asking for help and sharing the hard bits made me feel less alone. The more I opened up, the deeper, more meaningful connections I made with others—and the easier the hardest job in the world, being a mum, became.
The tools that helped me break free from those old patterns—like moving my body, getting vulnerable, and sharing my struggles—are the same ones I get to pass on to my children (and sometimes even to my own mum). They are always my biggest motivation to do the scary things because I want them to grow up knowing that feeling uncomfortable is never a reason to give up. Magical things happen when we step out of our comfort zone.
Healing Begins When You Let Go of Perfection
The more I stopped trying to ‘be fine’ all the time, the more I was able to give myself and my children the love and support we all needed. What I’ve come to realize is that you’re not lovable because you’re perfect; you’re lovable because of the messy, human parts that make you, you.
If you’re struggling with perfectionism, I promise that when you let go of the pressure, motherhood won’t feel as hard. You don’t have to be perfect to be a good mum. In fact, letting go of that belief is the key to becoming more connected, more present, and more compassionate with yourself and your family. As I always tell my clients, we don’t want to be perfect, because we don’t want to raise children who think they have to be perfect too.
Feeling stuck, exhausted, or trapped by the pressure to be perfect?
In my Finding You Reset, a 90-minute intensive session, we’ll dive into what’s keeping you stuck in the cycle of perfectionism and uncover what’s really holding you back. Together, we’ll create actionable goals that help you let go of the need to be perfect and focus on becoming the mum you want to be—imperfect but fully present. Plus, you’ll have two weeks of follow-up support to keep you motivated and accountable, ensuring you have the tools and support to make real, lasting changes.
Natasha Nyeke - Couples Theraphist & Individuals/ Matrescence
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